Half The Man I Could Have Been (Paralyzed Lelouch x Suzaku AU)
by Kanade-Akaihana
Summary: An alternate universe romance/drama fanfiction about the life of Lelouch, a young man whose legs are paralyzed by a case of acquired cerebral palsy, and Suzaku, a fellow member of an orchestral ensemble club at the private institution of Ashford University that they attend. Warning: Possible triggers, smut (although not until later in the story), and profanity.
1. Chapter 1: Whose Fault

_Chapter 1: Whose Fault_

"GOD! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT JERK WAS GOING TO LEAVE ME FOR SOME YOUNGER SKANK!"

An empty mug fell from the coffee table onto the carpeted floor with a muted 'clunk' as Marianne's clenched fist pounded the wooden surface with a single angry strike, her other hand holding her head as she gritted her teeth and allowed fresh, hot tears to run down her cheeks. Startled by her sister's sudden outburst, Cornelia remained silent with her hands holding her own mug in her lap as she patiently waited for Marianne to calm down. It was 3 AM on a chilly autumn night and her older sister had called her up, begging for her company so she could have someone to confide in as she was unable to fall asleep. Loyal as she was, Cornelia had complied and dragged herself out of bed over to Marianne's apartment a few minutes away from the house she shared with her own, faithful husband, Gilbert Guilford.

After a minute ticked by on the obnoxious analog clock hanging on the adjacent wall, Cornelia ventured in a tentative, yet firm voice, "Look, Marianne, I know this situation feels like the worst thing that could have ever happened to you, but you have a child to think about now. Crying over Charles, who clearly didn't care about you enough to stay and help you take care of his own kid, won't do anything for neither you nor Lelouch."

Marianne didn't respond and continued to sob softly, her right fist still clenched on top of the coffee table as if resisting the urge to pound down again. It had been a month since her husband had left her for one of the nurses that was on staff at the hospital where she gave birth two months ago. She regularly seeked the comfort of her sister Cornelia who was two years younger than she, and Cornelia always tolerated hearing the same complaints and regrets over and over again. Cornelia waited for another moment of silence filled only with the sound of her thirty-one-year-old sister's sniffles and the click of the second hand on the clock.

She sighed, "Maybe not thinking about it will help. Maybe instead of trying to figure out what went wrong between you and Charles, you can accept that he played you and then try focusing your energy on raising your son. Help him grow up to be as strong and smart and beautiful as his mother, who is you, no matter how you slice it. Mom, Dad, Gilbert, and I...we're all going to be here for you through this, but we can't do the work for you."

Marianne looked up at her younger sister with a contorted expression, her red and teary blue eyes flaming with bitter disbelief. "You have no idea what it's like, Cornelia." she snarled, "You have no idea how hard it is," her menacing tone increased in volume as she continued until she was screaming, "and you will never understand...that all of your advice...is EASIER. SAID. THAN FUCKING DONE!"

Before either Cornelia and Marianne could get in another word to one another, the wailing of a fussing infant sounded from the other room. Marianne stood abruptly from the couch. Her face had gone blank. Her eyes had become empty. Like a robot, she walked with a mechanical gait towards the crying of her son. Cornelia followed at a safe distance behind her and watched anxiously as Marianne lifted the bawling Lelouch out of his crib. Without a word nor change in emotionlessness, she simply rocked Lelouch back and forth in her arms. He continued to cry. She tried resting him on her shoulder and gently patting his back. Still, he continued to cry. Finally, she held him out in front of her and began to shake the poor infant. She had snapped.

"YOU'RE THE REASON CHARLES LEFT ME. IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

Panicked by the sight of her sister violently shaking the two-month old baby boy, Cornelia dropped her mug, allowing it to crash into fragments of white ceramic as she bolted into the room towards Marianne. "MARIANNE! STOP!" She grabbed onto Marianne's wrists from behind her, but Marianne, fueled by her anger, was far stronger. She kicked her leg backward in her craze, striking Cornelia in the stomach and sending her keeled over and gasping onto the floor. With the helpless Lelouch still wailing in her grasp, Marianne flung the infant across the room.

Lelouch's little body hurtled into the wall with a heartbreakingly heavy thud and he went eerily silent as his unconscious form slipped to the floor.

Horrified by what she had done, Marianne stood frozen with both her hands clasped over her gaping mouth and her eyes widened with realization. Cornelia forced herself to stand up and stagger over to the seemingly lifeless infant, cradling his limp body protectively while Marianne ran out of the room to call an ambulance.


	2. Chapter 2: More Regret

_Chapter 2: More Regret_

The instant she saw the look on the doctor's face, Marianne became hysterical to the point that she had to be restrained and escorted out of the hospital. She clawed and writhed in a desperate attempt to be allowed to see her son in the emergency room, screaming "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT HIM, I SWEAR!" but to no avail. This left Cornelia to be the receiver of the less-than-desirable results the doctor had found. With an icepack pressed to her stomach, Cornelia glanced up at the doctor from the chair she was sitting in as he solemnly closed the door behind him. They exchanged a silent, expectant stare before the doctor spoke first.

"Mrs. Guilford, I'm very sorry to inform you that your nephew has sustained permanent brain damage. It is going to cause him to suffer from a case of acquired cerebral palsy."

"A case of...what?"

"Acquired cerebral palsy. It's disorder of movement, muscle tone, or posture caused by significant damage to the brain during the first twelve months of an infant's life. The condition is usually congenital, so your nephew is a rather rare case. CP affects every individual differently, so there's no way for us to predict how it will affect him. He might walk, he might not. He might speak, he might not. CP could impair anything for him and we just won't know until it happens. It's non-progressive though, so whatever results from this disability, we can at least assure you that it will not get worse and it will not spread."

Cornelia blinked at the doctor in shock. "...so, is there any cure for it?"

The doctor shook his head grimly.

At a loss for words, Cornelia could only manage to slowly shake her own head, thinking to herself, ' _The poor child…'_

The doctor softly placed his hand on her shoulder in gentle sympathy. "If I may say so, Mrs. Guilford, I believe Lelouch will be in much healthier and safer care if you and your husband were to become his lawful guardians instead of leaving him to his mother."

Cornelia thought about the idea and was filled with resolve as she nodded in agreement.

"I'll call my lawyer."

* * *

Wallowing in dread and anxiety, Marianne paced around the cramped waiting room of the police station. She watched her own feet intently as she gripped her elbows, back and forth and back and forth she stepped across the worn grey carpet. Her life was falling apart. Everything that had made her happy before was crumbling to the ground. She had been charged for child abuse. She had been diagnosed with extreme postpartum depression. And worst of all: Her own little sister had made a case against her for custody of her son.

Marianne harbored a tumultuous mix of emotions towards Lelouch. On the one hand, he was the product of a false love; the fruit of being used and betrayed. On the other, he was the only connection she had left with the cheating, lying, selfish bastard of a man that she still loved. He was her son, but also Charles's son. To her, Lelouch was beautifully ugly; preciously worthless; hatefully loved.

And the regrets that led to her situation only continued to pile higher.

* * *

Cornelia ultimately won the case.

She and her husband, Gilbert, were granted legal custody of Lelouch in court and arrangements were settled efficiently. Of course, Charles, the biological father, did not even bother to show up to court and so any opinion that he may have had was invalidated. Marianne never spoke to Cornelia nor Gilbert ever again, and in her defeat, she withdrew herself from the world. Although Cornelia continued to occasionally check up on her sister, just to make sure that she was still alive, she never pushed for any further interaction in fear of Marianne behaving drastically in retaliation. She continued to pray and hope that Marianne would eventually recover mentally and emotionally.

As time passed, Cornelia and her husband worked endlessly to ensure that Lelouch grew up as happy and healthy as possible. They doted on him, showering him with love and affection as if he were their own son. Unfortunately, they noticed as he grew that his legs would not work properly. Sometimes, the poor little boy would lie immobilized, crying from the pain of muscle spasms in his legs while all Cornelia and Gilbert could do was comfort him by his side. A month after his second birthday, both of Lelouch's legs became completely paralyzed. He became dependant on a custom-made motorized wheelchair, but otherwise continued to develop normally. Cornelia gave birth to her first daughter, Euphemia, shortly after.

About a year later, when Lelouch was three-years-old, Cornelia then gave birth to her second daughter, Nunnally. The two little girls looked up to Lelouch and the three children grew up happily with close-knit family bonds.

* * *

Now, Lelouch was seventeen and attending Ashford Academy private high school. He had grown up to be an incredibly intelligent and intellectual young man, carrying with him a rather cooly charming disposition. Somewhere along the way, he had discovered his passion for playing violin, and so he participated in the school orchestra and extracurricular ensembles with great enthusiasm. For the most part, everyone around him tried their best to be respectful and mindful of his physical disability. However, there was one bitchy female classmate of his with obnoxiously bright limegreen hair who simply never tired of pestering him. Her favorite method would be to knock his books down in front of him when no one else was in the hallways and forcibly hold his wheelchair in place so that he would have to drag himself across the floor with only his arms in a pathetically slow show of him re-gathering his papers. He learned early on that remaining reactionless was key.

One day, Lelouch returned home from school and found a paper on his desk advertising an orchestral ensemble workshop available to high schoolers being held at Ashford University, his dream college. Students that participated would have a chance to be evaluated for a scholarship to the university. He heard the door click behind him and in walked his Auntie Cornelia. His violet gaze glistened in disbelief as he craned his neck to look at her from over his shoulder.

She smiled knowingly, "I take it you'd like to go?"

Lelouch beamed and nodded. "Thank you so much, Auntie!"


	3. Chapter 3: First Encounter

_Chapter 3: First Encounter_

One moment, Lelouch was taking in the gorgeous expanse of the Ashford University campus, the next, he was crashing into some random guy, toppling over and ending up on top of this stranger, staring closely into wide pools of emerald green. There was an awkward moment in which they both remained frozen with surprise, staring into each other's widened eyes.

"I'm so sorry-" they both exclaimed in unison.

"I wasn't watching where I was going," Lelouch rambled.

"No no, it's not your fault! I wasn't paying attention either," the stranger sputtered back quickly.

Not knowing what else to say, Lelouch bit his lip and pushed himself off of the other male. This stranger tried to help him back into his wheelchair, offering his hand for support. When refused by Lelouch, he instead picked up Lelouch's violin case and offered that instead. The boy himself was carrying a clarinet case and appeared to be Lelouch's age; he was probably there for the workshop as well. Lelouch thought he looked like he was of some sort of Asian descent. Korean, perhaps?

Another awkward pause filled the air between them as they both simply stared at one another in silence. Finally, the chestnut brown-haired stranger cleared his throat and extended his hand once again, this time to shake.

"Uh- I'm Suzaku. Suzaku Kururugi."

"Lelouch." Lelouch replied curtly, shaking Suzaku's hand as he thought to himself, ' _Ah, a Japanese name. That most likely explains his Asian features.'_

"Lelouch," Suzaku parroted with a nod, "Um...judging from the 'Guest' name tag and violin, you must be here for the same orchestra workshop too, right? How about I help you carry your stuff and we can go-"

Lelouch cut him off as he snapped, "Excuse me, but did I look like I was in need of your assistance? I carried my things on my own just fine before now."

Shocked, Suzaku merely blinked in confusion and responded in a meek voice, "No...but I just thought that since you're in a wheelchair-"

Lelouch cut the poor Japanese boy off once again. "Since I'm in a wheelchair, what? That I'm a helpless cripple who requires the arms of someone I've bumped into to carry my belongings for me when my own arms are perfectly functional, even after crashing into you?"

"N-no that's not what I was going to-"

"Does being in a wheelchair make me more helpless and more fragile than you, even though we both collided and fell to the ground at the same speed with the same force of gravity? Am I-"

"OKAY! I GET IT! I'M SORRY!" Suzaku finally interrupted. He sighed, scratching the back of his neck as he absentmindedly dusted off the front of his clarinet case. "Look, I never meant to offend you or make you feel lesser or anything. I was just trying to be nice."

"Well," Lelouch snorted, "you're going to fail miserably at being nice if you make us late to the workshop by rambling any longer than you already have. Let's go."

With that, he began to continue rolling along his way across the campus towards the music and arts department. Unsure of how to react, Suzaku wordlessly followed close behind him.


End file.
